Bob McCarty Writes

It is 10 a.m. Wednesday, April 1, 2009, and a hoard of well-known politicians — Democrats and Republicans alike — sit quietly in a circle of metal folding chairs. The location: A dusty and windowless room in the basement of an abandoned VFW hall outside Washington, D.C. The voice of an unseen moderator, piped in through a single, static-filled audio speaker mounted in the room’s drop-tile ceiling, breaks the silence.

“Senator Clinton, gentlemen, welcome to the first-ever meeting of Politicians Anonymous™. Each of you are here today because you have a problem — that is, you are career politicians. In order to overcome your additions to political power, influence and, worst of all, money, you’ve been ordered by the people of this great country to participate in this 12-step program before you’ll ever again be allowed to run for public office.”

Hearing the meeting attendees begin to grumble, he paused for a moment before continuing.

“I trust each of you has had an opportunity to review how this meeting will be conducted; therefore, we’ll begin with introductions.”

Hearing that, one candidate stands quickly — apparently believing he deserves to be first — and utters the statement, “My name is Rudy Giuliani, and I’m a politician.”

He’s followed by a parade of others sitting to his left. They include Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois, former senator John Edwards of North Carolina and a half-dozen Democrat Party “also-rans” from the 2008 presidential campaign, each of whom struggles to say the words first spoken by the former New York City mayor. Conspicuously absent from the meeting is Al Gore, apparently too ashamed to show his face outside of his energy-guzzling Tennessee estate.

The moderator interrupts the meeting to note the former vice president’s absence, then asks the assembled politicians to continue.

First up among the remaining GOP politicians is former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney. He utters the admission that he, too, is a politician, and is followed in order by Senators John McCain of Arizona and Sam Brownback of Kansas. Representatives Duncan Hunter of California and Tom Tancredo of Colorado take their turns and, finally, former governors Mike Huckabee of Arkansas and Tommy Thompson of Wisconsin introduce themselves and make their shameful admissions.

Once again, the moderator interrupts the meeting to note the not-unexpected absences of two others who had failed in their 2008 White House bids: former senator Fred Thompson of Tennessee and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich of Georgia.

Before the moderator can begin the next segment of the meeting, Giuliani stands up and walks to the center of the circle of chairs. The other candidates watch the New Yorker carefully as he looks up toward the speaker in the ceiling and begins to speak.

“Exactly who are you, and what qualifies you to serve as moderator over this group of distinguished Americans?” he asks in true former-prosecutor fashion.

From the speaker came a brief reply which spoke volumes to the politicians in the room:

“I think everyone knows me. I’m Ron Paul, president of the United States.”

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