Bob McCarty Writes

As a service to readers of Bob McCarty Writes, I put on my investigative journalist hat today and reveal truths buried beneath the surface of recent news headlines:

Painkiller sales up 90 percent — This Associated Press report reveals that people in the United States are living in a world of pain, and they are popping pills at an alarming rate to cope with it. That should come as no surprise to anyone. After all, the 2008 presidential campaign began months ago!

Leona Helmsley, ‘queen of mean,’ dies at 87 — This CNN headline yesterday was followed by a story that said the New Yorker “ran her empire…with an iron fist and went to prison for tax fraud.” If it hadn’t mentioned the famous hotelier’s name, I might have thought I was reading Hillary Clinton‘s obituary.

Less partying gives U of I a real reason to celebrate — This headline in this morning’s Des Moines Register might be a little misleading. It should have read, “Less on-campus partying…” My guess is that most of the beer and liquor consumption has probably just moved off campus in recent months as students became involved as volunteers for the 2008 presidential campaigns. Taking that one step further, I can probably explain how Mitt Romney won the Iowa Straw Poll. Mormons don’t drink alcohol and, as a result, campaign more effectively than their less-than-sober counterparts supporting other candidates.

Scientists Say Common Virus Could Cause Obesity — Finally, this Medical News Today headline leads to news from the world of medicine that “a common virus could be partly responsible for the obesity epidemic that is sweeping across America and other nations.” Yeah, right! It’s called sofaspudosis (a.k.a., “couch potato flu”).

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