Bob McCarty Writes

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul set a one-day fund-raising record yesterday, according to news reports like this one. That leads me to wonder whether those backing the maverick congressman from Texas might opt to use the money to make him a “better, stronger, faster” candidate a la the popular 1970s television series, THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN.

In that series, actor Lee Majors played the role of Steve Austin who, after crashing an experimental craft and suffering severe injuries, was rebuilt by Oscar Goldman and his scientists at the fictional Office of Scientific Intelligence.

His right arm, both legs and the left eye were replaced by bionic implants that enhance his strength, speed and vision far above human norms. As a result, he could run at speeds of 60 miles an hour, and his eye gained a 20:1 zoom lens and infrared capabilities. He used his enhanced abilities to work for the OSI as a secret agent (and as a guinea pig for bionics).

Adjusted for inflation, the almost $18 million Ron Paul has raised this quarter (which includes $6 million raised yesterday), should be enough to fund similar enhancements of Ron Paul.

One can imagine Ron Paul on the campaign trail, running from one campaign appearance to another at 60 miles an hour, able to focus more clearly on the issues and able to use infrared vision to pierce the veils of conspiracy about which he speaks so often.

Unfortunately, time constraints will prevent Ron Paul from taking time away from his campaign to have so many surgical improvements made. Therefore, I expect the 72-year-old OBGYN will take an easier route toward becoming “better, stronger, faster.”

The doctor will prescribe himself a supply of Human Growth Hormone. With fewer Major League Baseball players using the stuff after the release of the Mitchell Report last week, HGH is more readily available than ever.

[Editor's note: To see a video intro for THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN tv series, click on the image above.]