Tuesday night’s election outcome in New Hampshire surprised many Americans, but it didn’t shock me one bit. Why? Because I’m one of those unseen individuals the polling firms should blame for the discrepancies between election-day forecasts and the results that followed the first-in-the-nation Democratic Primary. I’m a political opinion poll dancer.
I should not be confused with the scantily-clad lady working in a smoke-filled establishment where large quantities of alcohol are served to a mostly-male client base. Similarly, I shouldn’t be mistaken for the suburban housewife who’s husband gleefully installed a floor-to-ceiling poll in their master bedroom so she could engage in the latest exercise fad. They are pole dancers. I’m a political opinion poll dancer, driven to do my utmost to prevent pollsters and their accomplices in the news media from exerting undue influence over the populace on election day.
As a political opinion poll dancer, I take great joy in receiving phone calls from professional polling firm employees and amateur campaign volunteers alike. It matters little to me whether the caller is working for pay or for donuts. And it makes no difference to me whether he dials for a candidate, a political party, a special interest group or someone else altogether. Heck, I even enjoy receiving calls from auto-dial systems that pepper me — albeit in rhythmic-mechanical tones — with opportunities to skew their numbers. When I receive a call from a pollster, I eagerly provide answers — none reflecting my own opinion, of course — as I work my way through what I call “dancing” with the pollster.
My goal as a political opinion poll dancer is to take up as much of his time as possible by giving misleading, long-winded and totally inaccurate answers to survey questions in hopes of one day producing an outcome — not a Hillary Clinton victory, per se, just a result that defies the pollsters — like the one produced last night in the “Live Free or Die” state. And, while I would like to take sole credit for the results in New Hampshire, I know I must share credit with others like me.
So, now, I extend a sincere “Thank you” to each and every political opinion poll dancer across the country who helped make our collective dream come true. Keep doing what you’re doing and, possibly, we can produce similar results in future elections.