Romney Under Pressure, New York Times and Deseret Morning News, Aug. 6, 2007
Will work for fuel" designs June 2, 2008
2007 BugsGoneWild.com Calendar, Oct. 29, 2006
Fox and Friends, Fox News Channel -- Mancow with BMW’s Don't Taze Me, Bro! T-Shirt, Oct. 3, 2007
Tuesday night’s election outcome in New Hampshire surprised many Americans, but it didn’t shock me one bit. Why? Because I’m one of those unseen individuals the polling firms should blame for the discrepancies between election-day forecasts and the results that followed the first-in-the-nation Democratic Primary. I’m a political opinion poll dancer.
I should not be confused with the scantily-clad lady working in a smoke-filled establishment where large quantities of alcohol are served to a mostly-male client base. Similarly, I shouldn’t be mistaken for the suburban housewife who’s husband gleefully installed a floor-to-ceiling poll in their master bedroom so she could engage in the latest exercise fad. They are pole dancers. I’m a political opinion poll dancer, driven to do my utmost to prevent pollsters and their accomplices in the news media from exerting undue influence over the populace on election day.
As a political opinion poll dancer, I take great joy in receiving phone calls from professional polling firm employees and amateur campaign volunteers alike. It matters little to me whether the caller is working for pay or for donuts. And it makes no difference to me whether he dials for a candidate, a political party, a special interest group or someone else altogether. Heck, I even enjoy receiving calls from auto-dial systems that pepper me — albeit in rhythmic-mechanical tones — with opportunities to skew their numbers. When I receive a call from a pollster, I eagerly provide answers — none reflecting my own opinion, of course — as I work my way through what I call “dancing” with the pollster.
My goal as a political opinion poll dancer is to take up as much of his time as possible by giving misleading, long-winded and totally inaccurate answers to survey questions in hopes of one day producing an outcome — not a Hillary Clinton victory, per se, just a result that defies the pollsters — like the one produced last night in the “Live Free or Die” state. And, while I would like to take sole credit for the results in New Hampshire, I know I must share credit with others like me.
So, now, I extend a sincere “Thank you” to each and every political opinion poll dancer across the country who helped make our collective dream come true. Keep doing what you’re doing and, possibly, we can produce similar results in future elections.
19 responses so far ↓
1 Skunkfeathers // Jan 10, 2008 at 7:55 am
LOL…I tend to avoid answering the phone when home, letting voice messaging check the validity of the caller. This post is gonna make me re-evaluate that
2 Debbie // Jan 10, 2008 at 9:55 am
Nice t-shirt. Poll Dancers, who would have thought? heh
3 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 10, 2008 at 10:01 am
Debbie — There are more “Poll Dancers” lurking in the shadows than most realize. Are you a poll dancer?
4 Brickle // Jan 10, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I’m not alone!!
I’m not in a battleground state, I’m in reliable Orange County, CA. But come election time I get 3-5 poll calls per week. I love screwing with them! Especially completely changing my opinions based on some brainless statement about one candidate or another!
5 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 10, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Brickle — Are you a card-carrying Poll Dancer? If so, you’d better get a t-shirt! Take care!
6 Susan // Jan 10, 2008 at 3:12 pm
You, sir, are a genius. My son started doing this at an early age — on standardized tests he’d be pressured to show up to bring up the class scores (he’s scary bright), so he would color in the answer bubbles in the shape of a Christmas tree.
Also, he’s 20 and to this day when he has to answer the “race” question, he — a blonde/blue white boy from Texas — checks “Pacific Islander.” “If race doesn’t matter and we’re all equal, why is the question on there?” he asks.
I’m so proud.
7 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 10, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Susan — It’s not often I’m referred to as a genius, but I appreciate it nevertheless. Hats off to you for raising a “scary bright” young man! Stay in touch!
8 Assistant Village Idiot // Jan 10, 2008 at 3:35 pm
There was a humor piece in the Concord Monitor years ago about a NewHampshireman who would adopt different personae for different callers, his favorite being an elderly deaf fahmah who thought he was talking to his wife’s nephew, Bill. I find this more sporting than merely giving pollsters random answers. More fun, too.
9 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 10, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I have a friend who does that with e-mail spammers. As for me, I want to make sure my responses are counted. Thanks for the advice anyway, Idiot.
10 Donald Sensing // Jan 10, 2008 at 3:45 pm
This is just as fun with telemarketers.
11 Poll Backer // Jan 10, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Great. So when easily hackable and copyright-protected vote tabulation software (such as GEMS by Diebold) spits out results that are wildly different from the poll results, the pundits get to blame the disparity on you clowns.
Anyone here remember the 2000 exit polls in the Ukraine?
12 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 10, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Me and the horses we rode in on.
13 Cro // Jan 10, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Perhaps the pollsters should just STOP.
There’s no need for them. It’s the equivalent of rubber necking an auto accident.
Again.. there’s no need for polls. That’s what the actual voting/election is for.
14 quipster // Jan 10, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I thought I was the only one who kept the jokers on the phone for as long as I could with long winded stupid answers!
15 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 10, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Quipster — You’re one of us. Be sure to get yourself a t-shirt!
16 MCP // Jan 10, 2008 at 9:33 pm
So nice to know I’m not alone. I’ve always wanted a bumper sticker that said “Save Democracy: Lie to a Pollster”. Thank you for your service to the country.
17 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 10, 2008 at 9:36 pm
MCP — I’ll make those bumper stickers and have ‘em for you tomorrow. Meanwhile, you’ll have to settle for a t-shirt like the ones shown above.
18 Looking for Answers in Numbers « Bold Words // Jan 11, 2008 at 5:07 am
[...] data are in trouble. For years, people dutifully answered questions put to them by pollsters. Now, some people intentionally give the “wrong” answers, hoping to skew the results. However, this [...]
19 hotoffthepress2 // Jan 11, 2008 at 6:13 pm
MCP — Your bumper sticker is ready. Check it out
here!
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