Bob McCarty Writes

Despite my best efforts, I could not ignore the nine words below that formed the headline of a news release issued today by the folks at Cleveland-based Ganeden Biotech about irritable bowel syndrome:  There’s No Place Like the Bathroom During the Holidays.

Those words were followed by a lead paragraph that provoked so many thoughts in my mind that I could have used them to shape the plot of a James A. Michener-length novel:

Of the estimated 25 to 45 million Americans who have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a significant number avoid seeing their families, attending parties and even shopping during the holiday season because of their digestive disorder. Running to the bathroom and unpredictable digestive symptoms often make road trips difficult, socializing embarrassing and enjoying popular holiday meals nearly impossible.

In reality, a lot of Americans avoid seeing their families, attending parties and shopping during the holiday season for reasons other than IBS.  Thanks to this news release, however, each can now claim to be the one out of every five Americans who suffers from IBS and use his self-diagnosis as a reason for not visiting hard-to-love next of kin, for not attending the annual Christmas party at work and for not going Christmas shopping at the mall.

Ganeden Biotech claims that IBS sufferers average 22 missed work days each year due to the syndrome, leading me to conclude that “sufferers” can even apply it to their careers in 2009.

Perhaps the best news from the virtual medicine cabinet full of excuses available via IBS is the fact that IBS should be available as an excuse for years to come.  Why?  Because, according to the news release, there is no cure for IBS.