Bob McCarty Writes

Now that the world is no longer worried about the possibility of a 6-year-old Colorado boy falling out of a runaway balloon, I share the transcript of a secretly-recorded phone conversation that took place this afternoon between a search-and-rescue expert in Brighton, Colo., President Barack Obama and his key advisers:

Colorado Search and Rescue Chief – “Hello, President Obama?  We need the federal government to quickly devise a rescue plan to save a six-year-old kid who climbed into a hot air balloon racing across the Colorado skies! Can you help?”

President Barack Obama — “I have assembled my key staff, and we stand ready to help in any way we can.”

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu –”Is the aircraft powered by fossil fuels or green energy?”

Colorado Search and Rescue Chief — “It’s a hot air balloon!?”

President Barack Obama — “Good.  That qualifies him, doesn’t it, Steve?”

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu — “Not necessarily, Mr. President.  It qualifies only if it’s been registered with the EPA folks.”

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano — “Is the balloon armed?”

Colorado Search and Rescue Chief — “No!”

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano — “That rules out shooting it down then…”

Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius – “Do you know if the boy has had his flu shots?”

Colorado Search and Rescue Chief — “What the hell does that have to do with this crisis?”

Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius – “Well, if he..–”

Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar — “If that kid is infected and crashes on Navajo land, we’ll have a real stink on our hands the first time one of those indigenous people comes down with the flu.”

Colorado Search and Rescue Chief — “You people cannot be serious…”

President Barack Obama — “Let’s get down to brass tacks here, people.  What race is the child in the balloon and who did that kid’s parents vote for in November?”

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel — “I just ran a background check on that, Mr. President…” (hand gesture: thumbs down)

In Colorado, the search and rescue chief tells his colleagues, “The line just went dead!?”

Meanwhile, back in the White House:

President Barack Obama — “Next subject.”

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