Al-Qaeda Business Publication Discovered

EDITOR’S NOTE: When I launched this blog almost four years ago, I spent much more time writing humorous pieces.  Today, as I devote more time to writing books than blogging, I thought I would share one of my humor posts originally published Jan. 8, 2008.  Enjoy!

Bob McCarty Writes has obtained an exclusive copy of an Al-Qaeda publication unnamed U.S. intelligence sources say has never before been seen in the West.

A copy of Al-Qaeda Business Opportunities Monthly, translated into English, was delivered to the offices of Bob McCarty Writes yesterday.

At first glance, the publication resembles typical U.S. business publications. A closer look, however, reveals the sinister side of this form of terror journalism that operates under the masthead slogan, “Taking extremism ‘Allah’ the way to the bank!”

For instance, while no publication date appears on the cover – presumably to maintain secrecy among followers of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden – a telling statement appears – “Published and distributed five times a day in Baghdad, Beirut, Kabul and Damascus” – under the masthead along with a toll-free number Muslims can call in order to subscribe.

Darker still is the subject matter of Al-Qaeda BOM, a publication intelligence sources say is referred to in Middle East business circles as “The Bomb.”

The headline story of the issue provided Bob McCarty Writes breaks the news of former vice president Al Gore’s purchase and renaming of Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network famous for airing sometimes-gruesome and always threatening videotapes received from Bin Laden and other terrorists. The new name of the network? Al-Gore-Zeera.

In the article, Bin Laden is quoted as imploring his followers to subscribe to the network now bearing Gore’s imprint, “Call your cable providers! Demand Al-Gore-Zeera! If they don’t provide it, blow them up!”

Another story reveals that Hurts© Rental Car-Bombs, a car rental agency-turned terrorist munitions supplier, reported a rise in same-store profits at all 12 of its Middle East locations. In addition, the story cites company officials as saying they have plans to expand their operations to the United States, Great Britain and other Western countries.

Following the headline, Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available, readers find out that Bin Laden is not only holding five-day bomb-making workshops at locations across the Middle East, Europe and New York City, but he’s offering “I SURVIVED!” t-shirts to students who graduate from the course.

***

[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake. The merchandise, however, is real.]

Cowardly Al Gore Won’t Debate Global Warming

I’m feeling bittersweet after reading Steve Huntley’s article in today’s Chicago Sun-Times. Why? Because I’m afraid it might serve as the journalistic “nail” in the coffin of Al Gore’s hopes for a lifetime of global warming riches.

In his article, Huntley outlines how one group — The Heartland Institute — has, over a period of six months, spent $700,000 in an effort to get Al Gore to debate one of its global warming experts. But Gore hasn’t responded, probably because he’s watched this video produced by the folks at Heartland:

Did I say bittersweet? Yes, but only as a result of the fact that Gore’s downfall will likely hurt sales of Al Gore- and global warming-related merchandise, all of which is available at The Bob McCarty Shop.

Gore Works to Expand Arab Television Network

After reading Variety‘s article about Al Gore and his campaign to expand Current TV into more overseas markets, Bob McCarty Writes editors felt it important to focus this blog’s attention on the former vice president’s less-publicized efforts to expand the reach of his other network, Al-Gore-Zeera.

Unknown to many in the English-speaking world, Al-Gore-Zeera is the Arab-language media network known as Al-Jazeera prior to its Fall 2006 purchase by Current TV. While it has much in common with its English-language counterpart, Al-Gore-Zeera, is different than Current TV in many ways. For instance:

  • While Current TV relies on user generated content for a third of its schedule, Al-Gore-Zeera relies upon Al-Qaeda-generated content for its entire schedule; and
  • While Current TV describes itself as “television for the Internet generation,” Al-Gore-Zeera paints itself as “television for the Jihadi generation.”

Is Al Gore’s Empire on Verge of Collapse?

Riding the wave of publicity that followed his acceptance of an Academy Award, Al Gore (a.k.a., Al Nino) used the world media spotlight to measure public interest in a possible 2008 presidential campaign. Over the weekend, however, the former vice president’s empire showed signs of imminent collapse:

  • Case in point #1: Gore given slim chance of victory as 2008 presidential candidate. A Gallop poll released March 1 and reported in a recent Editor & Publisher article revealed that relatively few Democrats — only 44 percent — think Gore could have a “good” or “excellent” chance to win the White House next year.” Among Democrats and Republicans, only 31 percent gave good or excellent odds on Gore while 68 percent gave him a “slim” or “no” chance to beat a Republican next year. In the same poll, Sen. Hillary Clinton scored 74 percent, Sen. Barack Obama 71 percent and former Sen. John Edwards 52 percent when it came to Republicans and Democrats giving “good” or “excellent” chances to win the White House.
  • Case in point #2:Greenhouse effect is a myth, say scientists.” That headline appears above a Daily Mail article about a new documentary that will air Thursday on the UK’s Channel 4. The Great Global Warming Swindle will feature eminent scientists who claim accepted theories about man causing global warming are “lies” and that the theory of man-made global warming has become such a powerful political force that other explanations for climate change are not being properly aired.”
  • Case in point #3: French Scientist Turns “180 Degrees” on Global Warming. Claude Allegre, one of France’s leading socialists and among her most celebrated scientists, was among the first to sound the alarm about the dangers of global warming. Today, he has reversed his belief in global warming and lists himself as a skeptic, according to an article gaining widespread attention today.

So what’s Gore to do as his political and global warming careers seem to be teetering on the edge of collapse? I think he should abandon his global warm-monger campaign, move to Saudi Arabia and focus on managing the Al-Gore-Zeera media empire.

Al-Qaeda Business Publication Revealed

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Six years after publishing this post, it appears I predicted Al Gore’s future in reverse. I feature it here today after news broke that Al-Jazeera will buy Gore’s Current TV.

(SAINT LOUIS) — Bob McCarty Writes has obtained an exclusive copy of an Al-Qaeda publication unnamed U.S. intelligence sources say has never before been seen in the West.

A copy of Al-Qaeda Business Opportunities Monthly, translated into English, was delivered to the offices of Bob McCarty Writes yesterday.

At first glance, the publication resembles typical U.S. business publications.A closer look, however, reveals the sinister side of this form of terror journalism that operates under the masthead slogan, “Taking extremism ‘Allah’ the way to the bank!”

For instance, while no publication date appears on the cover – presumably to maintain secrecy among followers of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden – a telling statement appears – “Published and distributed five times a day in Baghdad, Beirut, Kabul and Damascus” – under the masthead along with a toll-free number Muslims can call in order to subscribe.

Darker still is the subject matter of Al-Qaeda BOM, a publication intelligence sources say is referred to in Middle East business circles as “The Bomb.”’

The headline story of the issue provided Bob McCarty Writes breaks the news of former vice president Al Gore’s purchase and renaming of Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network famous for airing sometimes-gruesome and always threatening videotapes received from Bin Laden and other terrorists. The new name of the network? Al-Gore-Zeera.

In the article, Bin Laden is quoted as imploring his followers to subscribe to the network now bearing Gore’s imprint, “Call your cable providers! Demand Al-Gore-Zeera! If they don’t provide it, blow them up!”

Another story reveals that Hurts© Rental Car-Bombs, a car rental agency-turned terrorist munitions supplier, reported a rise in same-store profits at all 12 of its Middle East locations.In addition, the story cites company officials as saying they have plans to expand their operations to the United States, Great Britain and other Western countries.

Following the headline, Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available, readers find out that Bin Laden is not only holding five-day bomb-making workshops at locations across the Middle East, Europe and New York City, but he’s offering “I SURVIVED!” t-shirts to students who graduate from the course.

* * *

[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake.]

Author Exposes ‘Sheik-Down’ of U.S. Culture

(DEARBORN, MICH.) – Muslim extremist efforts to undermine Western culture actually began as many as six decades ago, according to one academic who has studied Muslim culture in the U.S. for more than 50 years.

“Many believe the Muslim surge into the West began in earnest following the first Gulf War of the early 1990s,” said Wilbur Wilburn, author of a just-released White Paper, Close the Deal With a Handsheik. “A close examination of the available evidence shows such efforts find their roots in American pop culture as far back as the 1950s when rock and roll music and fast food were in their infancy.”

Wilburn cites Big Joe Turner’s 1954 recording of the song, Sheik, Rattle and Roll, and Jerry Lee Lewis’ 1957 recording of Whole Lot of Sheik’n Goin’ On as turning points in what he calls the “Muslim War on the West.” During those same years, he said, there was no drink more popular among teens than the Milk Sheik.

“As our children grew accustomed to listening to sheik-friendly music on the radio, Muslim extremists shifted their focus to America’s kitchens,” Wilburn explained. “In 1965, Muslim-backed Sheik ‘n’ Bake products were introduced to Americans families in an effort to offset the just-born feminist movement and keep women in their traditional roles as housewives.

“While that turned out to be a good thing, the Muslim’s next effort did not,” he said. That next effort – the Muslim’s last and most-blatant by far – sought to influence American culture in a big way.

“In 1976, KC and the Sunshine Band recorded the hit song, (Sheik, Sheik, Sheik) Sheik Your Booty,” Wilburn said. “While the song became the group’s third number-one hit on the Billboard Hot 100, it will be recorded in the history books for other-than-musical reasons – that is, it stands as the most successful Muslim effort to introduce the word, sheik, into the American vernacular.”

While Wilburn would not be specific about future Muslim outreach efforts in general, he did confirm that a television show – shooting under the working title, Sheik or No Sheik – is in production at this time by a film production company with close ties to Al-Gore-Zeera.

***

Note: The story above is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof.

Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available

Muslim extremists are encouraged to register soon for a 2007 Al-Qaeda Build-A-Bomb Workshop event.

In a statement released through Al-Gore-Zeera, Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said he expects all devoted Muslims to attend these workshops.

“Real Muslims should plan on attending one of these workshops.As for those Muslims who don’t,” he said, “I will cut their heads off and feed them to the dogs.”

Workshops are being held at mosques in Baghdad, Kabul, London, Madrid and New York City on an as-needed basis and run five days each.  Topics covered include: Car Bomb Construction, Roadside Bombing for Impact and Do I Really Need to Know How to Land This Plane?

Individuals planning to attend one of the workshops need only bring a willingness to die for the cause, Bin Laden said, adding that snacks and beverages will be provided free of charge. In addition, those who survive this rigorous training program will receive an “I SURVIVED!” t-shirt made of the finest cotton.

Individuals who do not survive will be buried at no cost at Jihad Joe’s Muslim Cemetery next door to the Fatah Small Arms Training Center/Ammunition Factory/Hospital.

* * *

[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake.]