Al-Qaeda Business Publication Discovered

EDITOR’S NOTE: When I launched this blog almost four years ago, I spent much more time writing humorous pieces.  Today, as I devote more time to writing books than blogging, I thought I would share one of my humor posts originally published Jan. 8, 2008.  Enjoy!

Bob McCarty Writes has obtained an exclusive copy of an Al-Qaeda publication unnamed U.S. intelligence sources say has never before been seen in the West.

A copy of Al-Qaeda Business Opportunities Monthly, translated into English, was delivered to the offices of Bob McCarty Writes yesterday.

At first glance, the publication resembles typical U.S. business publications. A closer look, however, reveals the sinister side of this form of terror journalism that operates under the masthead slogan, “Taking extremism ‘Allah’ the way to the bank!”

For instance, while no publication date appears on the cover – presumably to maintain secrecy among followers of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden – a telling statement appears – “Published and distributed five times a day in Baghdad, Beirut, Kabul and Damascus” – under the masthead along with a toll-free number Muslims can call in order to subscribe.

Darker still is the subject matter of Al-Qaeda BOM, a publication intelligence sources say is referred to in Middle East business circles as “The Bomb.”

The headline story of the issue provided Bob McCarty Writes breaks the news of former vice president Al Gore’s purchase and renaming of Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network famous for airing sometimes-gruesome and always threatening videotapes received from Bin Laden and other terrorists. The new name of the network? Al-Gore-Zeera.

In the article, Bin Laden is quoted as imploring his followers to subscribe to the network now bearing Gore’s imprint, “Call your cable providers! Demand Al-Gore-Zeera! If they don’t provide it, blow them up!”

Another story reveals that Hurts© Rental Car-Bombs, a car rental agency-turned terrorist munitions supplier, reported a rise in same-store profits at all 12 of its Middle East locations. In addition, the story cites company officials as saying they have plans to expand their operations to the United States, Great Britain and other Western countries.

Following the headline, Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available, readers find out that Bin Laden is not only holding five-day bomb-making workshops at locations across the Middle East, Europe and New York City, but he’s offering “I SURVIVED!” t-shirts to students who graduate from the course.

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[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake. The merchandise, however, is real.]

Claim: Ethiopian Airlines Crash Caused by Al-Qaeda

On the day that an Ethiopian Airlines jet crashed after takeoff from Beirut, Israel’s YNET News reported that Lebanon’s president had ruled out terrorism as a possible cause.  Today, however, an intelligence and security news service is reporting otherwise.

The DEBKAfile is reporting this morning that the 92 deaths aboard that Boeing 737-800 were caused by an act of Al-Qaeda terror:

This was an al-Qaeda operation timed for one month to the day after its failed attempt to destroy an American Northwest airliner bound for Detroit.

It is becoming clear that either a bomb was planted on the Ethiopian flight with a timer or a passenger acted as suicide bomber.

Western security agencies in the Middle East involved in combating al Qaeda believe that its planners picked on the Ethiopian flight for more than one reason apart from the date: They had been tipped off that a group of French undercover agents, including Maria Sanchez Pietton, wife of the French ambassador to Beirut, and top Hizballah operatives, including secretary general Hassan Nasrallah, would be aboard.

According to a report by the Italian news outlet ANSAmed, Pietton was on the flight and died in the crash.  Whether she was, indeed, an undercover agent will likely not be disclosed by French government officials.

Now, it will be interesting to see if others in the mainstream media attempt to investigate this matter further.

Al-Qaeda Business Publication Revealed

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Six years after publishing this post, it appears I predicted Al Gore’s future in reverse. I feature it here today after news broke that Al-Jazeera will buy Gore’s Current TV.

(SAINT LOUIS) — Bob McCarty Writes has obtained an exclusive copy of an Al-Qaeda publication unnamed U.S. intelligence sources say has never before been seen in the West.

A copy of Al-Qaeda Business Opportunities Monthly, translated into English, was delivered to the offices of Bob McCarty Writes yesterday.

At first glance, the publication resembles typical U.S. business publications.A closer look, however, reveals the sinister side of this form of terror journalism that operates under the masthead slogan, “Taking extremism ‘Allah’ the way to the bank!”

For instance, while no publication date appears on the cover – presumably to maintain secrecy among followers of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden – a telling statement appears – “Published and distributed five times a day in Baghdad, Beirut, Kabul and Damascus” – under the masthead along with a toll-free number Muslims can call in order to subscribe.

Darker still is the subject matter of Al-Qaeda BOM, a publication intelligence sources say is referred to in Middle East business circles as “The Bomb.”’

The headline story of the issue provided Bob McCarty Writes breaks the news of former vice president Al Gore’s purchase and renaming of Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network famous for airing sometimes-gruesome and always threatening videotapes received from Bin Laden and other terrorists. The new name of the network? Al-Gore-Zeera.

In the article, Bin Laden is quoted as imploring his followers to subscribe to the network now bearing Gore’s imprint, “Call your cable providers! Demand Al-Gore-Zeera! If they don’t provide it, blow them up!”

Another story reveals that Hurts© Rental Car-Bombs, a car rental agency-turned terrorist munitions supplier, reported a rise in same-store profits at all 12 of its Middle East locations.In addition, the story cites company officials as saying they have plans to expand their operations to the United States, Great Britain and other Western countries.

Following the headline, Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available, readers find out that Bin Laden is not only holding five-day bomb-making workshops at locations across the Middle East, Europe and New York City, but he’s offering “I SURVIVED!” t-shirts to students who graduate from the course.

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[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake.]

Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available

Muslim extremists are encouraged to register soon for a 2007 Al-Qaeda Build-A-Bomb Workshop event.

In a statement released through Al-Gore-Zeera, Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said he expects all devoted Muslims to attend these workshops.

“Real Muslims should plan on attending one of these workshops.As for those Muslims who don’t,” he said, “I will cut their heads off and feed them to the dogs.”

Workshops are being held at mosques in Baghdad, Kabul, London, Madrid and New York City on an as-needed basis and run five days each.  Topics covered include: Car Bomb Construction, Roadside Bombing for Impact and Do I Really Need to Know How to Land This Plane?

Individuals planning to attend one of the workshops need only bring a willingness to die for the cause, Bin Laden said, adding that snacks and beverages will be provided free of charge. In addition, those who survive this rigorous training program will receive an “I SURVIVED!” t-shirt made of the finest cotton.

Individuals who do not survive will be buried at no cost at Jihad Joe’s Muslim Cemetery next door to the Fatah Small Arms Training Center/Ammunition Factory/Hospital.

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[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake.]