Al-Qaeda Business Publication Discovered

EDITOR’S NOTE: When I launched this blog almost four years ago, I spent much more time writing humorous pieces.  Today, as I devote more time to writing books than blogging, I thought I would share one of my humor posts originally published Jan. 8, 2008.  Enjoy!

Bob McCarty Writes has obtained an exclusive copy of an Al-Qaeda publication unnamed U.S. intelligence sources say has never before been seen in the West.

A copy of Al-Qaeda Business Opportunities Monthly, translated into English, was delivered to the offices of Bob McCarty Writes yesterday.

At first glance, the publication resembles typical U.S. business publications. A closer look, however, reveals the sinister side of this form of terror journalism that operates under the masthead slogan, “Taking extremism ‘Allah’ the way to the bank!”

For instance, while no publication date appears on the cover – presumably to maintain secrecy among followers of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden – a telling statement appears – “Published and distributed five times a day in Baghdad, Beirut, Kabul and Damascus” – under the masthead along with a toll-free number Muslims can call in order to subscribe.

Darker still is the subject matter of Al-Qaeda BOM, a publication intelligence sources say is referred to in Middle East business circles as “The Bomb.”

The headline story of the issue provided Bob McCarty Writes breaks the news of former vice president Al Gore’s purchase and renaming of Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network famous for airing sometimes-gruesome and always threatening videotapes received from Bin Laden and other terrorists. The new name of the network? Al-Gore-Zeera.

In the article, Bin Laden is quoted as imploring his followers to subscribe to the network now bearing Gore’s imprint, “Call your cable providers! Demand Al-Gore-Zeera! If they don’t provide it, blow them up!”

Another story reveals that Hurts© Rental Car-Bombs, a car rental agency-turned terrorist munitions supplier, reported a rise in same-store profits at all 12 of its Middle East locations. In addition, the story cites company officials as saying they have plans to expand their operations to the United States, Great Britain and other Western countries.

Following the headline, Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available, readers find out that Bin Laden is not only holding five-day bomb-making workshops at locations across the Middle East, Europe and New York City, but he’s offering “I SURVIVED!” t-shirts to students who graduate from the course.

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[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake. The merchandise, however, is real.]

Pelosi: ‘We were blindfolded, bound and stripped’

“We were blindfolded, bound and stripped,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi Friday in an exclusive interview with Bob McCarty Writes. “That’s when things turned ugly, and we were subjected to interrogation by President Assad’s people.”

The surprising revelations by Pelosi came in response to a harsh, bipartisan wave of criticism that followed her visit to the Middle East.

During a phone conversation late Friday, she told this blogger that, despite announcing plans to visit with Syrian leaders, she really had no intention of following through with it.

“We were in Israeli airspace minding our own business when Syrian fighter jets came up beside us and instructed our pilots to put the plane down in Damascus immediately,” she explained. “After we landed, they forced us to go shopping in the bazaar and told us we faced seven years in prison if we did not buy something — a lot of ‘something’ really — with American dollars.

“After I bought a scarf, some jewelry and some of their heavenly perfumes and oils, they forced us to participate in some photo ops and eat some of their delicious food before allowing us to leave.

“Looking back on our horrific treatment, the funny thing is,” she concluded, “I think we may have even had a more powerful impact if I had been allowed to shop a few hours longer.”

[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake.]

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UPDATE 2/15/08: See this post, Evidence! Pelosi Was Blindfolded, Bound, Stripped!

Al-Qaeda Business Publication Revealed

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Six years after publishing this post, it appears I predicted Al Gore’s future in reverse. I feature it here today after news broke that Al-Jazeera will buy Gore’s Current TV.

(SAINT LOUIS) — Bob McCarty Writes has obtained an exclusive copy of an Al-Qaeda publication unnamed U.S. intelligence sources say has never before been seen in the West.

A copy of Al-Qaeda Business Opportunities Monthly, translated into English, was delivered to the offices of Bob McCarty Writes yesterday.

At first glance, the publication resembles typical U.S. business publications.A closer look, however, reveals the sinister side of this form of terror journalism that operates under the masthead slogan, “Taking extremism ‘Allah’ the way to the bank!”

For instance, while no publication date appears on the cover – presumably to maintain secrecy among followers of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden – a telling statement appears – “Published and distributed five times a day in Baghdad, Beirut, Kabul and Damascus” – under the masthead along with a toll-free number Muslims can call in order to subscribe.

Darker still is the subject matter of Al-Qaeda BOM, a publication intelligence sources say is referred to in Middle East business circles as “The Bomb.”’

The headline story of the issue provided Bob McCarty Writes breaks the news of former vice president Al Gore’s purchase and renaming of Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network famous for airing sometimes-gruesome and always threatening videotapes received from Bin Laden and other terrorists. The new name of the network? Al-Gore-Zeera.

In the article, Bin Laden is quoted as imploring his followers to subscribe to the network now bearing Gore’s imprint, “Call your cable providers! Demand Al-Gore-Zeera! If they don’t provide it, blow them up!”

Another story reveals that Hurts© Rental Car-Bombs, a car rental agency-turned terrorist munitions supplier, reported a rise in same-store profits at all 12 of its Middle East locations.In addition, the story cites company officials as saying they have plans to expand their operations to the United States, Great Britain and other Western countries.

Following the headline, Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available, readers find out that Bin Laden is not only holding five-day bomb-making workshops at locations across the Middle East, Europe and New York City, but he’s offering “I SURVIVED!” t-shirts to students who graduate from the course.

* * *

[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake.]