Al-Qaeda Business Publication Revealed

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Six years after publishing this post, it appears I predicted Al Gore’s future in reverse. I feature it here today after news broke that Al-Jazeera will buy Gore’s Current TV.

(SAINT LOUIS) — Bob McCarty Writes has obtained an exclusive copy of an Al-Qaeda publication unnamed U.S. intelligence sources say has never before been seen in the West.

A copy of Al-Qaeda Business Opportunities Monthly, translated into English, was delivered to the offices of Bob McCarty Writes yesterday.

At first glance, the publication resembles typical U.S. business publications.A closer look, however, reveals the sinister side of this form of terror journalism that operates under the masthead slogan, “Taking extremism ‘Allah’ the way to the bank!”

For instance, while no publication date appears on the cover – presumably to maintain secrecy among followers of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden – a telling statement appears – “Published and distributed five times a day in Baghdad, Beirut, Kabul and Damascus” – under the masthead along with a toll-free number Muslims can call in order to subscribe.

Darker still is the subject matter of Al-Qaeda BOM, a publication intelligence sources say is referred to in Middle East business circles as “The Bomb.”’

The headline story of the issue provided Bob McCarty Writes breaks the news of former vice president Al Gore’s purchase and renaming of Al-Jazeera, the Arab news network famous for airing sometimes-gruesome and always threatening videotapes received from Bin Laden and other terrorists. The new name of the network? Al-Gore-Zeera.

In the article, Bin Laden is quoted as imploring his followers to subscribe to the network now bearing Gore’s imprint, “Call your cable providers! Demand Al-Gore-Zeera! If they don’t provide it, blow them up!”

Another story reveals that Hurts© Rental Car-Bombs, a car rental agency-turned terrorist munitions supplier, reported a rise in same-store profits at all 12 of its Middle East locations.In addition, the story cites company officials as saying they have plans to expand their operations to the United States, Great Britain and other Western countries.

Following the headline, Build-A-Bomb Workshop Tickets Still Available, readers find out that Bin Laden is not only holding five-day bomb-making workshops at locations across the Middle East, Europe and New York City, but he’s offering “I SURVIVED!” t-shirts to students who graduate from the course.

* * *

[Editor's Note: In case you're wondering, the post above is fiction, for humor's sake.]

Judith Regan to Publish Saddam Diet Book!

(NEW YORK) – Fresh on the heels of being fired over the O.J. Simpson confessional book flap, well-known wordsmith Judith Rega finds herself in the fray again.This time, it appears the author-editor-publisher will soon publish a diet book co-authored by the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

According to a draft news release obtained by Bob McCarty Writes from a Regan aide who asked not to be named, The Deposed Dictator Diet (a.k.a., the “3-D Diet”) will compete head to head with the seemingly endless array of diet books – Atkins®, South Beach® and others – already available for people hoping to lose a few pounds.What sets it apart, according to Regan as quoted in the draft news release, is the rock-solid proof that the diet – referred to as the “3-D Diet” by Regan – actually works.

“After Saddam Hussein was incarcerated after being captured by U.S. soldiers in Tikrit on Dec. 13, 2003, he began to gain weight.After all, he was forced to trade a life of fine food, women and song for a life of incarceration and prison food. Then he developed the 3-D Diet regimen.”

Regan explains that Saddam’s 3-D Diet begins with a half-hearted hunger strike, is followed by daily walks to and from a secure Iraqi court house and concludes with a brief, one-time-only exercise program involving a rope.

So where’s the “proof in the pudding” of this plan?Regan says that multiple reliable sources inside Iraq can attest to the fact that the deposed dictator hasn’t gained an ounce since he finished his early-morning workout on the last day of 2006.

“If you’ve gained weight as a result of an extended period of unplanned incarceration,” Regan says The Deposed Dictator Diet ($19.95 + s/h/i) might be the answer for you.It goes on sale at bookstores everywhere Feb. 5.

***************

Note: The story above is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.